By Linda Burd Howard, Ph.D.
No matter how much thought a woman gives to the notion of stepparenting, there are certain celebrations for which neither formal etiquette nor ?common sense? is a great guide for what to expect.
When it comes to the deep, intense, often contradictory feelings on everyone?s part (the kids, regardless of their ages, the biological parents, the stepparents, stepbrothers and stepsisters)?you?d have to be living under a rock to be unaware that stepfamilies are notorious for the kind of drama that makes Men in Black look like Winnie the Pooh. But don?t get your thongs in a twist just yet. You can improve the quality of your life, as long as you change your point of view.
But before we begin, let me say for the record that not all step families have these problems.
When I hear the term ?stepmother,? many different images come to mind, and one of them is (still!) Cinderella?s stepmother. That woman was such a bitch I can?t forget her. So you need to keep in mind that it?s never easy to overcome someone?s preconceived notion of who you are. You?ll have to have patience.
So how does a stepmother keep the peace during occasions such as graduations, weddings and Mother?s and Father?s Day?
Now there?s a loaded question. Regardless of what you?ve been led to believe, wished for or co-dependently fantasized about, it?s of utmost importance that you know this: it?s not your job to keep the peace!? Instead, make it your job to keep your cool. First, consider the following:
The holidays and special occasions are days for celebrating all that?s good in your family. Leave the feuds behind. Get over yourself. Count the blessings you?ve been given when you became part of something bigger than yourself. Be the person you?d respect, behaving in a kind, generous, loving way to everyone.? Regardless of what?s gone down in a family, step or biological, or what?s gone down in your life, for that matter, allow compassion for others having a difficult time, to lead your way.
Most of us are so wrapped up in ourselves we don?t stop to think of how other family members might be feeling in the same situation. One by one, put yourself in the shoes of every member of your blended family. Really. Do it. Take the time, because no matter how anyone else behaves, you want to shine. One way to do that is to neutralize some of your own feelings.
The person you have always been when you?re stressed, is about to become even more stressed out and reactive as a stepparent surrounded by family members who are similarly emotional and frazzled. Let?s take a few of the players one at a time. The situations below frequently include the following feelings and thoughts:
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RULE NUMBER ONE: don?t take it personally. Make that your mantra, and keep chanting.
THE STEPCHILD?S GRADUATION
?Since the divorce, she?s always there. She?s not my mother. I wish she?d stop sucking up to me and trying to be my best friend. Why does she have to tag along everywhere? It?s embarrassing to me when they kiss. My father should know better than to do that to me anyway. Now she?s the only one who matters, and it?s like I?m out of the picture. I?m sure she wishes I?d just go away. They probably both do.?
THE EX-WIFE AT HER BIOLOGICAL CHILD?S WEDDING
?How could that bozo, cradle-snatching ex of mine take HER to our daughter?s wedding? I?ll bet she probably isn?t even old enough to drink yet. Just look at the attention he gets with her. And that apricot blazer with the puke purple shirt! What, did Prince pick that out, or did she blindfold him and make him get dressed? Just look at those boobs popping out of that dress like explosives. They?re definitely screw-ons. This is a day I?ve waited for my entire life, and now she?s trying to steal the show. She has no business being here, period. Who does she think she is? Did I mention that rat?s nest? Does she think this is a rock concert? Yeah, they have class; too bad it?s all low! I can?t believe he?s doing this to me.?
THE STEPMOTHER ON MOTHER?S DAY
?I?ve put up with these kids, cleaned their disgusting rooms, attended their boring class outings, chauffeured them around town and swallowed those not-so-subtle put downs. Still, I?ve learned to love the little buggers. When they?re sick, I?m the one who gives them their medicine; it?s my lap they lay on when they have fevers, I?m the person who sews their costumes and makes their meals. I?ve taught them how to be good human beings, and now I?m supposed to hand them over to their biological mother on Mother?s Day? I?m more of a mother to them than she ever was. Why is their biological mother doing this to me?? This is my family now.?
THE STEPMOTHER ON FATHER?S DAY
?Do the kids even want me to be with them on Father?s Day? Their dad said it?s up to me whether I go or not. I?m in a no-win situation. If I go, the kids will probably wonder why I have to share the day with them and their dad. It will be awkward and stilted for everyone. If I don?t go, I?ll be setting a precedent like I?m saying that I?m not really part of the family. Why can?t my husband decide? They shouldn?t be putting me in the middle of this.?
Hello!? Nobody is doing anything TO anyone, and yet, each person feels victimized by someone else. Rule Number One: don?t take it personally. Make that your mantra, and keep chanting.
All the players are living out their issues. In other words, whatever upsets them in their lives in general is going to upset them now. Except now, under the stress of preparing for holidays, dealing with blended family issues and diverse personalities, the stress is multiplied, magnified and manifested many times over.? Insecurity, possessiveness, victimization, low self-esteem and all the issues developed over a lifetime come to the surface. Whenever people feel they have no control, which is the primary underlying fear here, they become stressed, irritable, and sometimes, just plain nasty.
When the tension gets high, the most heroic thing you can do is opt out if you can?t bring yourself to make nice. But that?s the absolute bottom of the options barrel. You can do better. Here are some tips to help you cope, so you don?t have to stay home playing ?Words With Friends:?
Practice imagery and visualize the occasion. The more details the better. Picture yourself smiling, conversing and feeling good while enjoying yourself and making nice.
Look for and find good things to say about the cast members. You are writing your own lines in the play of your life, so make yourself a role model in whom you?ll take pride.
Don?t try to be your young stepchild?s friend. Be an ally.
Keep reminding yourself that while the goal here is peace, your job is to keep your cool.
Do not assume that a particular role is yours. Good naturedly offer to run errands or assist with simple preparations, but wait to be invited to participate in any particular way. Big decisions are not yours to make.
Under no circumstances make this about you. It?s all about the person being celebrated.
Show no cleavage. Well, maybe just a tad.
Linda Burd Howard earned her doctorate in psychology from Yeshiva University in New York. She has had private practices in New York City, Long Island and Boca Raton, FL. Dr. Howard now resides in Boca Raton, and still practices through phone appointments. For more information, visit www.icanrelatetothat.com.
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